Message to my Mother

I was budded in an underprivileged family. I did not receive well care from my mom, I say this because, I have bad experiences as I grew up without her presence in my infant stage. I am sure she had many wishes and dreams for her infant. I know it was not her intention to depart from me at such stage. 
I knew she loved me very much; she might have scarified her sickness worrying about me. I cannot imagine the pain and the worries she would have had during her illness. The disease would have made her body numbness and the worry about me would have made her speechless. The only wish at the time of her sickness for her was to get alright and recover herself so that she would help me grow up well. 
Dear Mom, I have tried many a time to recollect who you were, from the time I was able to but failed. I remember nothing; it appears blank at all times when I reflect back. If you have not left me early I would have many stories to tell you. Since, I remember things maybe when I was competent enough to do so. 
Mom, I will tell you the story now. When I was five years old somehow it struck my mind and I really sensed it thereafter. Many called me “singza wagtsa” (motherless child) and our family popularly known as “dhugpu” (pitiable) in the community had difficult time to survive even to get “ashum thugpa”(porridge made out of maize residue). That time father and sister would disappear early in the morning yearning for the next meal leaving me and step mother at home. At the end of the day they would sometime return empty hand and of course tired. Many a time they would bring a bag of wild sweet potatoes. This would serve us about three to four days. 
One of the routine of our family, which the neighbor always used to blame on us was on quarreling.  We would not have had peaceful meal at any cost because the ignition of quarrel among father, step mother and sister would gear up during meal time. Sister would serve the meal (wild sweet potatoes) one by one. I did not know the reason but saw them shouting each other. Upsetting of step mother so swift and she would not take the meal (sweet potatoes); the hardly earned meal, sweet potatoes) would remain cold on her plate. 
Finally she would alter a word out of frustration“don’t you get better meals than this?” she said. “We have trough time even to get such meal and with so much of trouble we are serving you. If you are not able to adjust with us you may go back home and have better meals. No objection from me” sister said. Father would not flow his words easily but land up with warning. “Do not complain!, fill in your belly with whatever I provide you” otherwise consequences will not be other than my hands pounding on your head. She was having difficult time to adjust with us. 
Thereafter I came to know that she was new member in our family. After every quarrel she would file up the case with father, she would call her brother to backup her. Slowly she was adapting into the situation. There was no one to care me when father and sister were away from home. She would stay at home and force me to do household chores. 
Few months later she gave birth to a son. I saw myself loitering among friends without having proper attire to wear and home to live. I have to twirl in the domicile of relatives. Father used to reach home late evening from field. To be continued...

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